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Who's the Putz on Facebook
Who's the Putz on Facebook in Bloomington, MN
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Welcome to Larry Baumhor's Putz Land, where you ride with centrifugal force pushing the limits of gravity, experiencing a whirling, psychological, poignantly funny prose that makes your head spin, leaving you curious, nauseous, and hysterical. You're ashamed that you've enjoyed putzing with Mr. Baumhor.
Baumhor gets whacked in the head with a kielbasa and a textbook, smokes black Afghani hash before Spanish class, is adopted by the granddaughter of a slave, is placed under a spell by a witch, gets rejected by the dating service eHarmony.com, tries to reason with his Bubby who runs the halls in her bra, plays hide-and-seek with a bathroom attendant, ends up in a motel room with a gay cowboy, upsets his friends on Facebook claiming he's Ron Feldman, and woos a beautiful blonde with bohemian love letters.
What is a Putz?
The vernacular English word putz was borrowed from Yiddish.
1. Putz can be traced back to the German word Putz, which means decoration.
2. The online Yiddish dictionary http://www.bubbygram.com/yiddishglossary.htm defines putz as: "literally, a diminutive form of penis; a prick. Used, as we do in English to describe a nasty, unlikable man. A putz generally has no real power, except to make your life miserable or at least unpleasant, often in a passive-aggressive way."
3. The American Heritage College dictionary defines putz as: "(1.) Slang. A fool; an idiot. (2.) Vulgar Slang. A penis. Slang. To behave in an idle manner; putter."
4. The East Hills Moravian Church in Bethlehem, PA states: "Make our Christmas putz part of your tradition." They have putz showings the last weekend in November. A Christmas putz is a traditiondating back to the Middle Ages. A putz is a miniature landscape decoration placed under a Christmas tree depicting the story of the Christ Child's Nativity. Many people go from house to house to look at the putzes. This event is called putzing. Some Moravian churches display a putz for public viewing.
5. My mom would call me a putz as a kid when I acted stupid or foolish, and she knew I was neither. Putz could have a humorous, endearing connotation. Though I don't think I would recommend going into a religious Jewish neighborhood and calling someone a putz.
6. My definition of a putz has evolved from a naïve, gullible kid into a goofball, a person who lives in the subconscious, says what he wants, without inhibitions-providing it is not malicious or mean-spirited. I may look and act foolish, but this is only part of being a putz. I have chosen this lifestyle. I want to be a putz. I'm proud of being a putz. It's a badge of honor.
If you bought this book, you too may be a putz. Come along, let's go putzing. Perhaps you'll want to join the Putz Club. And don't worry, you don't have to be a putz all the time.
Larry Baumhor
Titles of Short Stories
1. "Bohemian Love Letters to a Suburban Chick": Larry becomes infatuated with a hot suburban chick, and attempts to woo her with bohemian love letters, a romantic secret garden, and as a prisoner of the Bush administration.
2. "The Substitute Teacher Gets whacked": Mr. Baumhor is more frightened by the teachers than the students, as he gets whacked in the head with a textbook, kielbasa, and an apple.
3. "Bubby Goes Bonkers": Bubby freaks out in the Beth Shalom coffee shop, dropping the f-bomb, dancing and singing to Larreleh, tatteleh, I love you, ta, ta, ta, while running wild in the halls, shirtless, wearing a bra.
4. "Observations of a Bathroom Attendant and Other Oddities": Larry's obsession with a bathroom attendant causes him to play peek-a-boo with him. Larry chastises an employee for cleaning in a restaurant, and talks baby talk to a waitress. Larry buys a collection of hundreds of pot pipes, causing a deep seeded fear that his apartment is under siege by hippie germs.
5. "Who's the Putz on Facebook": Larry Baumhor claims he's Ron Feldman, the clown on his book cover, but becomes troubled by his dual personality, upsetting his friends on Facebook. He's a slingshot expert, offering his services to kill wild birds that have rudely awakened his friends. He proudly announces that he's a C cup, causing him not to go to the beach in over a decade. He ends up in a psychiatric hospital.
6. "Smokin" Weed before Spanish Class": Stoned out of his mind on Afghani hash before Spanish class, Baumhor entertains the class by giving bizarre answers in Spanish.
7. "I Dated a Witch": Larry falls in love with a woman, only to discover she's a witch who inflicts pain on other people, predicts the future, and has Larry under a spell.
8. "Rosa and the Shvartzers in 1964": The granddaughter of a slave and the daughter of a sharecropper, Rosa becomes Larry's surrogate mom. Larry, who loves his new mom, discovers his real family is racist. Historical information from 1964 is interspersed throughout the story.
9. "The Putz and the Cowboy": Baumhor hitchhikes cross-country, plans to marry a hippie, picks lemons on a lemon farm, and then ends up in a motel room with a gay cowboy.
10. "E Harmony Dot Com": After years of not dating, Larry joins eHarmony.com with high hopes of meeting his future friend, lover, and wife. eHarmony rejects Larry's personality profile, claiming he is incompatible with all women members of eHarmony.
Baumhor gets whacked in the head with a kielbasa and a textbook, smokes black Afghani hash before Spanish class, is adopted by the granddaughter of a slave, is placed under a spell by a witch, gets rejected by the dating service eHarmony.com, tries to reason with his Bubby who runs the halls in her bra, plays hide-and-seek with a bathroom attendant, ends up in a motel room with a gay cowboy, upsets his friends on Facebook claiming he's Ron Feldman, and woos a beautiful blonde with bohemian love letters.
What is a Putz?
The vernacular English word putz was borrowed from Yiddish.
1. Putz can be traced back to the German word Putz, which means decoration.
2. The online Yiddish dictionary http://www.bubbygram.com/yiddishglossary.htm defines putz as: "literally, a diminutive form of penis; a prick. Used, as we do in English to describe a nasty, unlikable man. A putz generally has no real power, except to make your life miserable or at least unpleasant, often in a passive-aggressive way."
3. The American Heritage College dictionary defines putz as: "(1.) Slang. A fool; an idiot. (2.) Vulgar Slang. A penis. Slang. To behave in an idle manner; putter."
4. The East Hills Moravian Church in Bethlehem, PA states: "Make our Christmas putz part of your tradition." They have putz showings the last weekend in November. A Christmas putz is a traditiondating back to the Middle Ages. A putz is a miniature landscape decoration placed under a Christmas tree depicting the story of the Christ Child's Nativity. Many people go from house to house to look at the putzes. This event is called putzing. Some Moravian churches display a putz for public viewing.
5. My mom would call me a putz as a kid when I acted stupid or foolish, and she knew I was neither. Putz could have a humorous, endearing connotation. Though I don't think I would recommend going into a religious Jewish neighborhood and calling someone a putz.
6. My definition of a putz has evolved from a naïve, gullible kid into a goofball, a person who lives in the subconscious, says what he wants, without inhibitions-providing it is not malicious or mean-spirited. I may look and act foolish, but this is only part of being a putz. I have chosen this lifestyle. I want to be a putz. I'm proud of being a putz. It's a badge of honor.
If you bought this book, you too may be a putz. Come along, let's go putzing. Perhaps you'll want to join the Putz Club. And don't worry, you don't have to be a putz all the time.
Larry Baumhor
Titles of Short Stories
1. "Bohemian Love Letters to a Suburban Chick": Larry becomes infatuated with a hot suburban chick, and attempts to woo her with bohemian love letters, a romantic secret garden, and as a prisoner of the Bush administration.
2. "The Substitute Teacher Gets whacked": Mr. Baumhor is more frightened by the teachers than the students, as he gets whacked in the head with a textbook, kielbasa, and an apple.
3. "Bubby Goes Bonkers": Bubby freaks out in the Beth Shalom coffee shop, dropping the f-bomb, dancing and singing to Larreleh, tatteleh, I love you, ta, ta, ta, while running wild in the halls, shirtless, wearing a bra.
4. "Observations of a Bathroom Attendant and Other Oddities": Larry's obsession with a bathroom attendant causes him to play peek-a-boo with him. Larry chastises an employee for cleaning in a restaurant, and talks baby talk to a waitress. Larry buys a collection of hundreds of pot pipes, causing a deep seeded fear that his apartment is under siege by hippie germs.
5. "Who's the Putz on Facebook": Larry Baumhor claims he's Ron Feldman, the clown on his book cover, but becomes troubled by his dual personality, upsetting his friends on Facebook. He's a slingshot expert, offering his services to kill wild birds that have rudely awakened his friends. He proudly announces that he's a C cup, causing him not to go to the beach in over a decade. He ends up in a psychiatric hospital.
6. "Smokin" Weed before Spanish Class": Stoned out of his mind on Afghani hash before Spanish class, Baumhor entertains the class by giving bizarre answers in Spanish.
7. "I Dated a Witch": Larry falls in love with a woman, only to discover she's a witch who inflicts pain on other people, predicts the future, and has Larry under a spell.
8. "Rosa and the Shvartzers in 1964": The granddaughter of a slave and the daughter of a sharecropper, Rosa becomes Larry's surrogate mom. Larry, who loves his new mom, discovers his real family is racist. Historical information from 1964 is interspersed throughout the story.
9. "The Putz and the Cowboy": Baumhor hitchhikes cross-country, plans to marry a hippie, picks lemons on a lemon farm, and then ends up in a motel room with a gay cowboy.
10. "E Harmony Dot Com": After years of not dating, Larry joins eHarmony.com with high hopes of meeting his future friend, lover, and wife. eHarmony rejects Larry's personality profile, claiming he is incompatible with all women members of eHarmony.
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