Shopping Hungry in Bloomington, MN

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Candy Lee Fessler!
Your momma is about to surprise you with the gift that keeps on giving. She's convinced her scheme to kidnap the star player on the high school football team, who also happens to be from the richest family in Burnt Coffee, Alabama, is your shortcut to roses and rainbows, an off-ramp from the rocky road of life's disappointments. All it will take to seal the deal is to get the local hero to make one very simple, and friendly, contribution to your future.
To say that momma's rude and raunchy best-laid plans go staggeringly off the rails is a hilarious understatement in a riotously chaotic and excruciatingly funny series of misbegotten events.
Nothing in the wide, wide world of sports ever went from touchdown to sudden death so quickly!