Shopping for a CEO's Baby

We're having twins. Which means my shooters are stronger than my brother's. I win. Yeah, yeah, everyone can say it's not a competition, but it is. And we all know it. Two babies at once means double the fun, and double the misery for my poor wife, Amanda. While I'm growing a Fortune 500 company, she's growing two entire human beings out of nothing but orange cheese snacks and ice cream. Do you have any idea how hard I've worked during this pregnancy, tracking down orange smoothies for her? Not to mention being forced to Facetime into a childbirth class on perineal massage, rescuing Chuckles the cat from being shaved bald by my two-year-old niece, and fighting with a wife who has named the twins Lefty and Righty. By the time we hit the ninth month, my entire world revolves around pleasing - and protecting - her. Even if it means humiliating myself in the name of love. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, now. Hold on. Is the one who's winning?