Old Dogma, New Tricks in Bloomington, MN

Working out sucks!
Especially when your girlfriend is like the next Jillian Michaels.
It doesn't help that Layla is a princess. Of like, elves. So beautiful, powerful and regal.
I am preparing to fight like the fate of the world might depend on... me.
My girlfriend has disappeared back to her world.
Elven legions might attack Earth, there's been a coup attempt and rumors of dead elves coming back to life.
But something doesn't feel right about all of this...
Between surprise wedgies, the folks at my church upset at me, and my talking-cat's Animal Planet addiction...
It's like my whole life is in disarray.
How can I be expected to save anyone, much less the world?